Striving for perfection can be perceived as a harmless quality in students and adults alike. In reality, it can have adverse negative effects on the individual. This is because perfectionist students have the tendency to hold themselves up to unrealistic standards and they beat themselves over when they fail to meet them.
Contrary to popular belief, perfectionism isn't always a driving force for success - it can actually hold your child back. While one might expect perfectionist children to push harder to meet their excessively high standards, this isn't typically the case. Instead, these students often develop a fear of failure that leads them to limit themselves to activities they're already good at. This fear can cause children to withdraw socially and prevent them from exploring new experiences. They might avoid trying new sports or extracurricular activities, preferring to stick with familiar school subjects and interests rather than venture into less certain territories. By avoiding potential mistakes that could serve as valuable learning opportunities and remaining within their comfort zone, students ultimately limit their long-term growth. This constant pursuit of perfection frequently results in anxiety, procrastination, and persistent dissatisfaction.
Excellence vs Perfectionism
There's a crucial difference between striving for excellence and pursuing perfectionism. Excellence involves doing one's best, while perfectionism demands meeting unrealistic standards of flawlessness. Avoiding perfectionism doesn't mean lowering standards - rather, striving for excellence means pushing oneself to achieve high goals while being comfortable with the occasional mistake and understanding that perfection isn't always necessary.
If we examine the journeys of the most successful people, we find that they all set high standards for themselves. The difference lies in the fact that they set realistic standards rather than unattainable ones. Individuals who establish realistic standards can be viewed as healthy achievers; they see mistakes as opportunities for growth and failures as temporary setbacks. They push themselves because they are intrinsically motivated to learn, achieve, and grow. This mindset is healthy and is associated with a growth mindset. In contrast, perfectionists view mistakes and constructive criticism as proof of their unworthiness.
The key distinction lies in where these standards originate. Perfectionism typically stems from self-imposed expectations and perceived external pressures. Perfectionist children may feel pressure to excel from parents, coaches, or teachers - even when such pressure doesn't actually exist. When they fall short of these often unrealistic goals, they tend to view themselves as unworthy and label themselves as failures.
Excellence is about enjoying the journey - finding pleasure in the learning process, building confidence, and celebrating progress. Perfectionism, however, leads to constant fault-finding, regardless of actual achievement. While striving for excellence can motivate and inspire, the pursuit of perfection often leads to discouragement and demoralization.
As a parent, you can help your child by guiding them to set achievable goals - ones that require effort but don't demand impossible standards of perfection. In the following sections, we'll explore practical strategies to help your child pursue excellence without being paralyzed by the fear of failure.
Signs of Chronic Perfectionism
While there's no definitive checklist to identify perfectionism, parents can watch for certain behavioral patterns in their children. Based on the characteristics discussed above, here are key signs that might indicate your child is struggling with perfectionist tendencies:
- Becomes easily frustrated when making mistakes on homework or during activities
- Abandons tasks at the first sign of mistakes
- Avoids challenging activities due to fear of imperfection
- Shows excessive anxiety about potential failure
- Takes unusually long to complete tasks, often restarting repeatedly
- Displays persistent negative self-talk and low self-esteem
- Reacts intensely to criticism or perceived failures
How to tackle Perfectionism
Grow a growth mindset
Help your child understand that abilities can be developed through effort, learning, and persistence. Emphasize the journey of learning rather than the outcome. Share stories of your own mistakes and what you learned from them. This helps children understand that making mistakes is not just normal but essential for growth.
Redefine success & recognize realistic heroes
Move beyond the typical success stories of prodigies and overnight successes. Instead, highlight stories of persistence, resilience, and incremental progress. Share examples of successful people who faced multiple setbacks before achieving their goals. This helps children understand that real success often involves ups and downs, and perfection isn't a prerequisite for achievement.
Practice giving and taking feedback
Create a safe space where your child can both give and receive constructive feedback. Start with low-stakes activities where feedback doesn't feel threatening. For instance, have them review a story you've written or give feedback on a meal you've cooked. This helps them understand that feedback is about improvement, not judgment.
Express unconditional acceptance
Make it clear that your love and acceptance aren't tied to their achievements. Celebrate effort and progress rather than just results. When discussing their activities or schoolwork, focus on specific aspects they enjoyed or learned from rather than just the final outcome.
Model self-compassion
Children often learn perfectionist tendencies from observing adults. Be mindful of how you talk about your own mistakes and challenges. Show them how to be kind to oneself when things don't go as planned. This might mean verbalizing your thought process when you make mistakes, showing them how to reframe negative self-talk into constructive reflection.
Encourage productive struggle
Create opportunities for your child to engage in challenging activities where perfection isn't possible. This could be learning a new instrument, trying a new sport, or tackling complex puzzles. The goal is to help them develop comfort with the discomfort of not being immediately good at something.
Want to learn more? Watch our expert Cassidy Goldblatt break down perfectionism in detail and discover a bonus tip for managing perfectionism in pre-teens. Register for our complete Middle School Bootcamp series to help your child thrive during these crucial years.
At Rise, we understand the delicate balance between encouraging achievement and protecting emotional well-being. Our specialized skill development programs create an environment where middle school students can challenge themselves while building resilience and developing a healthy approach to learning. Book a free consultation with one of our academic advisors to discuss your child's academic and personal development journey.
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